Is there a state of still in your home? Perhaps no-one is speaking about the enormous elephant in the room? Has sex evaporated over time into a distant memory? Have you had your head turned? Considering having an affair to see if it dispels your needs or thinking of leaving?
Do you spend most of your time wondering if your spouse feels the same, if you should call this quits?
Before you go and blow a hole in your life the size of a atom bomb, just hang on a moment.
As you have journeyed through your marriage, have you really worked on yourself? You have probably worked on the house, worked on your cooking skills, upskilled at work and have worked on being the best parent you can be. But have you really taken a long look at yourself? Have you grown in the bedroom, become a more attentive lover, improved your skills and educated yourself over time? I'm not talking dressing up or buying toys, I'm talking the same effort you put out in other areas of your life and putting as much time and effort in. Have you learned more about anatomy, have you sought to pleasure in different ways? Have you asked 'what does that feel like' anytime recently? If you think back, before it stopped all-together it was mundane and samey right?
I ask you. Do you feel sexy? As you have got older, do you feel sexy, do you get dressed and think - 'I would' (haha).
Seriously, no one is attracted to a person who doesn't value or rate themselves. It starts with you. Get some therapy, get your self esteem and mo jo back on track, get to that gym.
Demanding sex is very unattractive, women in particular do not like the feeling of this being their job but creating sexy environments and being sexy yourself is highly likely to spark the fire that may have burned out some time ago.
If your partner is not engaging in sex with you and you feel you have applied yourself fully to 'being the best you can be', it is highly likely due to a lack of emotional engagement. The same rules apply. How much have you worked on yourself emotionally? Have you taken courses in listening? When was the last time you really listened and asked the right questions? Do you listen to podcasts or read information on menopause or post natal emotional well being, so you understand yourself or your wife? Are you working on your own emotional wellbeing? Have you sort to know your spouse's emotional wellbeing?
Honestly, there's a thousand things you should check off the list before you jump in bed with the temptation in your life or you walk away.
You married your 'one' because they ticked every box (I hope). Did you think that one set of vows would magically make things work out over time? You would not apply that same thought process to any other area in your life, you improve, work, upskill, right?
So get out there and start listening, learning and being sexy!
But how can you get your spouse on board?
Easily. There isn't a spouse in the universe who likes to be told what to do. So make this easy for yourself.
Start with yourself and engage your spouse.
Perhaps you might say 'I think I'm going to watch this video on emotional well being, do you want to watch it with me?' Talk afterwards, particuarly how it relates to you and you as a couple.
'I'm going to take this course on listening, would you like to do it with me?'
"I'm going to read this book on exploring sex, shall we listen to the audio book together'
'I'm going to get some therapy, do you fancy coming with me?' (whooaaa that's out there isn't it!)
Obviously, your spouse may answer 'no thanks'. If so, still go ahead then discuss and practise what you have learned with them. Use the techniques as you continue in life. Soon enough a compliment will come alike 'thanks for doing that for me' and this is your opportunity to tell where you learned that skill. Next time you offer a joint activity, they may well like to join in.
All change is lead form the front - change yourself first, reflect first, be self critical first.
Just imagine how much effort it is to start again with someone else - then apply that effort to your marriage.
Successful marriages aren't long ones, they are happy ones.
Get out there and work hard on the things you value.
Amy Dixon Divorce and Relationship Coach